Avoiders believe that they must rely on themselves alone to meet their own needs The buried traumas of the past let avoiders function pretty effectively in their daily lives, at least at the surface.
The insecurity can cause anger and make you direct the blame towards your partner.
You feel confused: you think you want out of the new relationship, but is it you or your partner causing the problem? There are justifiable reasons for abandonment of another (alcoholic, abusive, etc.) versus perceived threats coming from your mind being projected outward in the form of insecurities, unrealistic expectations, and so on.
The insecurity and unknown burrows into your brain like a parasite, constantly clawing at you and never relenting. You look for advice but nobody understands exactly what you’re going through, and you feel like you are alone. You can’t think of anyone else, you can’t do anything else. You live on the periphery of relationships, seeing others only as a means to an end. It is not necessary that both are felt, or to the same degree, but one of the two is present.
You hate the feelings of the unknown that cause the tightness in your chest, that choke your throat. The abandonments from the past hurt too much that you can’t sustain anything further. Avoiders believe that they can handle things themselves and shouldn’t rely on anyone else, especially in hard times when support is needed.
As two people’s psychobiological systems become melded, they create one interwoven neurohormonal system.
During a breakup, the intertwined systems go haywire.
The unresolved past comes into play again and again, and there’s nothing the avoider can do about it if they are not conscious of the feelings.
But the toxic effects surface in situations involving intimacy, aggression, abandonment, and fear.
The connecting wires are pulled apart and go off sparking.
The wires are either put into another new relationship to prohibit the shock of pain and disconnection (in an unhealthy manner), or in remaining alone for a period of time, the brain continues to search for its lost object-the other half of your hormonal regulatory system.
To assuage these feelings, an avoider can move from relationship to relationship feeling the initial emotional highs of “falling in love” to medicate their feelings of loneliness, depression, and isolation…. Once the relationship becomes more serious and as time goes on, the insecurities come out, and the avoider will want to leave based on all the issues that are coming up.